Author: Christina Kauffman

We’ve had a big life lesson around perceptions of control. My husband tested positive for covid-19 earlier this week.

My first reaction was shock mixed with despair. We were so careful; how did this happen?! The answer is we don’t know. The previous 2 weeks before his symptoms started he had very few short interactions out in the world.

The day we received the news I put my shock aside and thought about what the kids would need to get through this news. They would need calm, understanding, empathetic parents. At first I thought we might wait a bit to tell them, but then I had a strong feeling that talking to them right away was going to be the most connecting thing we could do.

My husband and I followed them into our “bouncy room,” and told them the news. I told them we were surprised, and reflected back to them that they looked scared and worried. I told them that’s okay, I’m scared too. Five hugged his dad. I hugged Seven as Two twirled around on his swing, blissfully unaware. I told them we would get through this together. I invited them on a phone call I was going to have with the doctor about anything they wanted to talk about.

And the rest of the day my husband and I took turns resting, or being attentive to each one of them the best we could. And there were a lot of needs! We all started experiencing symptoms, and all were mild.

I’m still letting go of the what if’s and if only’s. It had been difficult to face the hard truth that we can not longer protect ourselves from this virus. But what has emerged is the knowing that we have each other to see this through. We are going to be okay, even in this time of uncertainty.

When you do what you love, your love shines through for your family and friends. I used to be jealous of parents on this Unschooling path that seemed to really have their shit together. I was beginning to worry that this would be another thing to show me how I was not doing parenting right, and I had to change so I could make Unschooling work. I decided to sit with the discomfort, and narrow my focus to helping my kids deschool.

I’m so grateful I put my head down and stuck to the basics. I did what I needed to do to support my children through their days of deschooling, which meant (and still means) slow mornings, lots of snack plates and shared chocolate bars. Watching favorite videos, or attempting to play Minecraft with my kids. Building train track loops and taking walks.

Slowly, a deeper love for these little acts of care grew in me. I started feeling joyful in all parts of our days, instead of blips of joy when the stars align and everyone does a project together for 10 minutes. I’m not trying to paint a picture of 24/7 serenity, more celebrating that these everyday happenings are the sources of most of the joy in our days.

And now, a newer level of finding what I love to do is unfolding: I’m writing. It is something I love but have not given myself the space to do. I feel confident in having things to say about our begining experiences of Unschooling, while I also realize that I have a lot to learn. The takeaway is I don’t need to wait for perfection to do what I want. And my children are also given the opportunity and grace to do what they love now. They don’t have to wait until after school, or wait for later when they are grown. We all get to do what we love right now, because that’s what we want our lives to be about: Love.

We have so much to be grateful for in this household. I love tapping into this feeling throughout the day, which I am grateful for in itself. The unschooling way of life has really helped me value what’s most important for me and my family, and live authentically together. In turn, I find ease in filling up with gratitude. It’s a cycle that keeps growing as we continue on our unschooling journey! ❤️

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Holiday traditions were strong when I was a child, yet since having children my family hasn’t had a single Thanksgiving that looked like the others. One year we’ve gone to family, the next year friends, the following year family has celebrated in our home… and it’s been lovely. We have had some really nice times, but I have also felt the holiday incomplete without a consistent tradition, like the ones a grew up with. I have been told “you’ll find your tradition soon” which was well meaning, but I often felt we weren’t doing the holidays right.

So I’ve been mulling this over this year. This unprecedented time has helped me distill what it is I find the most important about the holidays, and that is being with my nuclear family. When I drop the expectations around needing more pomp in our holidays, I feel so much freer to enjoy what is right in front of me. I am happy and grateful to have us be together. The rest of the company is cake (or pie!)

This is true for me and my family, and it may be different for others, and that’s okay too. I’m going to focus on what I love the most about Thanksgiving, and that’s spending time with my four loves. Happy Thanksgiving.

Now that we’re smack in the middle of fall, I thought I’d take a snapshot of everyone’s interests at the moment.

Seven loves gaming and gamer YouTube videos. Right now he enjoys Feed and Grow Fish, Fortnite, and is just getting back into Minecraft after a long hiatus. He has put a pause on his favorite YouTubers Unspeakable and Crainer, and now watches a lot of a guy called Pungence. Seven made his first gaming videos, and we loaded them on YouTube! It was so funny watching them with him; he cracks himself up! When not gaming, Seven likes making up games and talking them out. His favorite person to do this with is dad.

Five likes watching these videos just as much, although he occasionally walks away to build with blocks or play whatever his baby brother is in to. He also loves playing tag and running games with Seven upstairs. He’s often found spinning on our rings or climbing on the climbing wall. He’s more info Fortnite at the moment, and likes a range of apps on the tablet. Lastly, he’s gotten back into Pokemon, so he and Seven will watch a couple episodes every other day.

Two it’s all about cars; watching and playing cars. This week he tugs me over to the rug and says “let’s build!” So we build with duplos for long periods of time. He lovs joining in on the running games with his older brothers. He also is fond of jumping into pillows from Five’s bunk bed. Two also likes puzzles and will sit at his little table and so them alone or with me. He quietly finds cars to play with on the windowsills upstairs when he needs a break from all the running around with his brothers. My favorite is his game of making a huge pile of pillows and crawling under the mound. Sometimes he does it to play peekaboo, sometimes it’s for having alone time.

As far as the grown-ups: sleep! And showers! We talk about mini-projects around the house, politics, pandemic updates, and unschooling. We’re real basic at the mo. And that’s us!

An interesting shift happened for me recently, around how I view certain YouTube personalities that my kids are drawn to. My children enjoy watching gamers play Minecraft and other games. A friend and Unschooling mom referred to these stars as her childrens’ teachers. What a wonderful new insight for me to process!

What I love about about this perspective is it encourages me to look through the world from my childrens’ eyes. I can better understand what they appreciate about a certain YouTuber, such as what styles of communicating are they drawn to. I have come up with better questions for them while we watch together, which gives me more insight on what they might be learning from watching.

Seeing who they like to learn from on the internet has had a big impact on how I see their learning process. Instead of thinking of their favorite shows, channels, and people online as their interests, I can take it one step further to acknowledge these are the characters my kids choose to learn from. It creates an understanding to treat their choices of learning as equally important to the societal preference to education in a classroom or a physical experience out in the world.

One thing I have learned from seven is how he is drawn to the relationships between the gamers. He likes talking about how well they get along, what their personalities are like, and how they have different styles of play. And five gets pure enjoyment out of the edits, sound effects, and the experience of sharing fun times with seven. They both giggle away, and five will often replay the funniest parts again and again. There’s a lot of learning going on, even when our kids are “just watching screens”.

I think the hardest part to explain to people, and also the hardest part to bring into the conventional world, is the change that happens around the perception of time.

One of the greatest gifts of Unschooling is the freeing shift towards how time is precieved. When we are all free to do what we choose, time takes a backseat. I’m new enough to Unschooling to remember how aspects of the day dragged on. How maintaining our schedules could really take a lot out of my kids and I. Sometimes whole days would pass and I’d feel like I had missed out on enjoying my children, because I was too busy getting them ready for a play date that they weren’t excited about, or preparing for that outing that I planned in advance, and now I didn’t want to go.

For me, the letting go of what time meant to us was crucial to get to the sweet spots of Unschooling. Why did an arbitrary amount of time get precedent over how long my child gets to spend playing computer games, or when he eats food? Why do they have to quickly solve a disagreement, or get out of the bath when the water turns cool?

When I dropped the level of importance time has, new and exciting things began to happen: more opportunities appeared for connection with my kids and my partner. I became a calmer person, the one I strived to be and thought was only possible with lots of time away from my kids, to recharge from the constant management of our time.

There are many aspects within time that I could focus on, and I will do that in coming posts. But the general idea of treating time as the construct that it is, can lead to so many new opportunities for living life in a freer, more authentic way. Time is very restrictive for little minds who are figuring out the world.

Now, when we wake up, we all have a slower, relaxed pace as we make our way downstairs. I or my husband predictably make a simple breakfast, while the boys find something that interests them. I get to join them with my coffee, checking in to see what video they have chosen, or what toys they become immersed in. Maybe they come to the table for breakfast first thing, or maybe they come by later, after they have spent time doing what they love. And the day flows from there.

Do I have moments or whole days even where I want more structure, more control of the day? Oh yes! Sometimes I ask them to pause and think about what they’d like to do for the day, as I have a little one who still naps and do that requires planning around. And occasionally, I would really like to go for a walk, and I ask if my kids would be willing. Sometimes they say yes. If I’m really getting annoyed at the pacing of the day, I will put on my headphones with a podcast or music for a bit. That almost always helps me get through the “grasping for a schedule” feelings.

What would happen if you woke up and had no agenda for you or your kids? How do you feel thinking about the that? What stopped me from trying at first was the feeling that everything would get out of control and I’d get angry. When I was able to set my great aside and try it, I found the great was founded- we did and still do have moments of chaos! What I learned was I can be in chaos without getting angry, and the chaos often wanes on its own, if I let it.

So, time. It can be a lovely thing, when you allow your family to go at their own pace.

Nearly a year into unschooling, I feel like I have some things to say about this radical learning style many are drawn to. That’s what this blog is for: a real time walk through of our days and moments as this shift of focus moves us towards a more authentic lifestyle.

Well, maybe my child would like preschool, I thought. Surely it would be worth it if my child was happy! So was he? Did he enjoy making friends, playing with playdough with his peers, was he excited about being there? … Not really! When my first was three he told me he didn’t like preschool “because there are too many kids there”. He struggled, we struggled. We shortened his class time. He was so patient with me as I gently pushed along, because isn’t preschool the thing you are supposed to do? It was hard. I thought I was doing the right thing.

It wasn’t easy for me to jump into Unschooling. I have had wonderful experiences in my life when I followed the road less traveled, yet I was still under the impression that school is school, and there are many alternative options to choose from if you want to choose a more tailored experience for your kids. And so, starting around the time my son was toddling around, I sought smaller co-op preschools that would enhance my and my sons’ learning experience. Little did I know at the time it was me that wouldn’t be able to conform to the daily school grind. Even the way less demanding schedule and expectations of preschool had me frazzled. Whenever I had doubts about early education, I got plenty of pushback from friends, family and society that preschool was the way to go. I needed to give it space; kids learn how to adjust in time, right? But I wasn’t being honest with myself. I was the one who could not adjust well.

We stuck with preschool, and over time my son’s experience improved! We moved to a new preschool, and it seemed like a much better fit. Something shifted, and I thought maybe we just needed to find the right school. Okay. Maybe it’s worth the trouble if my kid is happy, I thought. The school co,-op offered a kindergarten class with an amazing teacher, so of course we enrolled. After a few months of kindergarten I noticed some signs. F was tired at the end of the day. He didn’t want to play with his brother. He seemed withdrawn from all of us. I worried. I had just had my third baby, was it that? Yes that played a role, but ultimately I realized he had outgrown this learning environment, and maybe finding the right school fit was going to be harder than I thought.

I found myself dreading the whole production that school demands of families, before fully experiencing it! The waking early, the shuffling out the door, the being organized for every step from wake to sleep, and if something goes awry that can ruin your whole day. I’m not a morning person, I’m not good at getting places on time and I am not organized in every aspect of my life. And this would be required of me, whether we went to the neighborhood school, or a private school. I was miserable just thinking about it. Homeschooling was becoming a clearer choice as the months wore on with no one happy in Kindergarten or preschool.

I was open to other options if we found something worthwhile, but in the meantime, while F was in Kindergarten and R in preschool, I poured over styles of homeschooling and curriculum, and thought I had found the “right one.” I took some online classes on how to nurture kids’ natural learning abilities. I was keen on using the nature inspired program I purchased, and dillegently followed online guidance for connection with other mother’s on the same path. It was inspiring, until my kids wouldn’t engage with the curriculum. I panicked. Wait, I thought they would like this! This is better than sitting at a desk! When I or other moms would ask our online teacher for help, she would give very unschool-y answers. I finally was like yes, more of that please. We needed to fully jump in to this approach to learning. As uncertain as I was of this radical approach, I immersed myself in whatever podcasts, books and blogs felt good to me. I was so inspired by what Unschooling parents had to say about their process, I just had to give it a try. The allure of strong relationships muffled my doubts. So, the fall of 2019 is when we dipped our toes into Unschooling. And here we are!

A year in, and what do I have to say? This blog is going to help me figure that out! I feel like we as a family have hit the point of no return in our deschooling process. We have had enough challenges turned into curiosities, and have had enough trust grow in our relationships with one another, I don’t think we could willingly go back to conventional parenting. I’m going to share our process and more, and continue to unfold this beautiful method that focuses on relationships. I’m excited to be here and share our winding journey with you. Thanks for joining me.